Article #22: You are not your thoughts
‘You are not your thoughts’. This might sound new to you. We are taught to own and embrace our thoughts. Be vocal. Speak up. Speak out and be loud.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not encouraging you to silent yourself, to be a doormat, to disregard your ideals, and let yourself being disvalued, disrespected, and trampled on. That is the extreme opposite of what I meant by ‘you are not your thoughts’. So where do I go from here? If I am not my thoughts, so who am I?
As much as we like to judge and place ourselves based on our differences; regardless of our race, gender, religion, caste, nationality, and other differentiation markers that we use to separate ‘us’ from ‘them’, at the very core of our being, we are all the same.
You and I were all born in a clean slate, as a white and empty canvas and we were born with the same needs from our primary caregivers. As infants, we need comfort, protection, and emotional connection and like other mammalian infants, we cannot meet these basic needs on our own, and are dependent entirely upon our caregivers to make us feel safe, protected, and loved. When and if these needs are continuously unmet, our survival instinct will start to kick in and we will do whatever we can to have our needs met. It is in our attempts to fulfil these needs that we start developing unhealthy strategies, for example, crying, yelling, throwing tantrums or the extreme opposite, such as completely shutting down and numbing.
Unfortunately, the experience and painful memories of having our needs unmet in childhood will leave unhealthy imprints in our subconscious mind which will dramatically affect our beliefs about ourselves, our expectations of others, and our strategies in coping with stress and emotional experiences as an adult. It might feel like we are living our adult lives based on the worldview of our young selves. In the events that we are triggered, we might even react using the same strategies that we used as a child. When was the last time you screamed or yelled at someone that upsets you? When was the last time you stormed out of the door and left a heated argument hanging?
‘You are not your thoughts’ because your thoughts are products of your beliefs and your beliefs are a result of your unmet needs in childhood. If we are not fully in charge of our beliefs and thought patterns, we are not fully in charge of our emotions and actions. It is important to question our thoughts and beliefs whenever we are triggered and then identify the unmet needs. We are no longer a child; we have the ability to meet our own needs. We do not need to depend on others to make ourselves feel safe, protected, and loved.
The way we understand our emotions is crucial in our understanding of selves. All emotions are always valid. Emotions are the most honest feedback that can help us identify our needs. It is just that sometimes the thoughts and beliefs that are creating our emotions may not be. When we re-run painful thoughts and beliefs from the worldview of our childhood trauma, we will start telling ourselves painful stories that can cause our suffering. This can be one of the root causes for both depression and anxiety; and similar to our adaptive reactions as infants, we cling to unhealthy strategies in our attempts to overcome our negative emotions. This is unhealthy and this needs to change. The very first step towards change is a full awareness that ‘you are not your thoughts’. The next time you feel triggered, take a step back, regulate your emotions by reflecting on the stories that you tell yourself. Re-interpret these stories by finding evidence that can counter your negative self-talk. Our inner child always wants to protect us, but we are no longer a child, hence it is time to let her go.
Contributed by:
Natrah Noor