University of Nottingham Malaysia
Centre for English Language and Foundation Education
     
  

Article #25: Creating and Navigating Boundaries – For Your Peace of Mind

This is probably the understatement of the year (or the last two years, rather): it has been stressful. At this point you are likely rolling your eyes at this, because you are more than aware of it and do not need to be reminded, yet again. You have also likely been given advice on how to reduce stress so you can be at more peace, more productive, and find your own little bubble of happiness, even. The advice you have been given? Most probably true.

But what you need to understand is this: boundaries are also a significant part of reducing stress and finding that sweet spot between peace and being resentful of everything and everyone because you are drained. Boundaries, to put it simply, are ‘rules’ you have for your relationships with other people. These can be rigid, like keeping some people at a distance, or more flexible, such as not allowing yourself to get involved in people’s problems. We all have a definition of boundaries, but how can one erect these without creating any kind of chaos, or worse, feeling guilty about them once you’ve laid them down? The bad news is you can’t. 

If you do not have any experience creating boundaries, especially when it comes to toxic friendships and/or partnerships, you are more often than not going to experience some sort of guilt for doing it, even some level of anxiety. You will feel as though you have betrayed the person by protecting yourself, and you may even feel selfish for doing it, for wanting to take care of your own needs first. The good news? 

Boundry
 

These may not last for very long as you weather through the initial stages of the guilt and find that you feel better once these have been fully established. So do not worry, these feelings you are experiencing are perfectly normal. Just remember that it really is true that when you are no good to yourself you are certainly no good to anyone else. You may be capable of being involved, giving, helping, putting in your energy and effort for people who matter to you, but you will eventually begin to resent them for taking so much of your time and energy, and your being drained will not serve anyone. Especially not you. Friends/partners may resist these boundaries, and even question your loyalty to them, which might make things difficult. You must remember, however, that those who really matter will want you to be a better version of yourself, and so will learn to respect these boundaries, even if it takes a bit of time. 

Here are general ways some experts have outlined to help you create your boundaries: 

1. List down the things you would like people to adhere to and respect in terms of your boundaries before you share these. For example, no calls after midnight, unless it is an emergency. This will help provide clarity in the kind of boundaries you want to establish. You should start small, especially if this is not something you are used to. Creating smaller boundaries at first will help you learn how to navigate them better, which will in turn lead to you establishing ‘larger’ ones once you become accustomed to the concept.

Making a note of these boundaries should also open you up to respecting other people’s as well. Be as accepting of their rules as you would expect them to be of yours. 

2. Communication. This may sound repetitive and redundant, but when it comes to creating and navigating boundaries, being clear (and kind!) about what your needs are, is crucial in avoiding any misunderstandings. Remember that people are not mind readers and it is unfair to expect them to anticipate your needs with scraps of information. Be as clear as possible about your boundaries and expectations. 

3. Try being as consistent as possible. If you feel anxious, and are not feeling comfortable with someone or a group of people, chances are they have crossed your boundary. Be firm and remind them of this boundary. It is admittedly difficult to remind someone that they have violated your boundary, whether it is mental, physical, financial, emotional, etc. The more you do it, the easier it will get. Remind them of your boundaries and that you need space to regain your peace. People who matter will not have an issue with this. 

4. Say ‘no’ when you need to. This is easier said than done, especially when you are concerned about fitting in in college life. However, when you feel as though saying ‘yes’ will lead to resentment, feeling drained and unappreciated, even used, you will experience a greater dissatisfaction in university life than you would if you said ‘no’ in the first place. Saying ‘no’ shows others that you respect your time, energy, and yourself. It also encourages others to say no, too, without feeling the pressure to say yes to things they are not comfortable with. Remember, honouring yourself is key to self-care, avoiding burnout and most negative feelings you may otherwise experience. Remember that you always come first. 

5. Receiving therapy. If you have significant issues setting boundaries and you are struggling as a result of this (and other issues) this is a good option to explore. Therapy will not only guide you through your difficulties and thought processes but will also allow you to identify how to take care of you, which is crucial to later setting boundaries for your own peace of mind.

The above are only a few of many, and I would certainly encourage you to look further if you need to, to find out other ways to create boundaries. You and your wellbeing are important, and so you should always come first, before others. When you are a well-rested, better-centered version of you, you will become a better friend to others. Please also consider visiting our Wellbeing facility at the university should you need more counselling and/or advice on your mental and emotional wellbeing. You come first, always remember that.

Contributed by:
Nabila Shariff Al-Baiti

Centre for English Language and Foundation Education

University of Nottingham Malaysia
Jalan Broga, 43500 Semenyih
Selangor Darul Ehsan
Malaysia

telephone: +6 (03) 8924 8000
fax: +6 (03) 8924 8012

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